After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm both gender and math confused
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize