god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
