I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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