Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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