Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
