i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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