Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
