I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
