wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
