I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
