I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
