please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
