So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
