I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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