Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
