I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
