have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
