I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
