She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I can't turn off my feet"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
