I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
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