I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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