my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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