In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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