No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
