Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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