i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
