his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
