see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
