using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
