I think I died a long time ago.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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