I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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