I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
