where does the pee come out of this thing
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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