friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize