McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
