I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
