i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
