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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
