Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize