Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Randomize
