K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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