Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize