So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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