He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize