we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
How naked do you want me to be?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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