hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
