Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
