Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Are we still banned from the library?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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