Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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