I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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