You're so nebulous sometimes
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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