Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
