I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
