Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
