I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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