OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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