All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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