Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
