Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You brought string cheese to the strip club
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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