The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
