3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He better not be in your backpack
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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